NFL First round draft recap

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Banshee Tacobra

NFL DRAFT REPORTER AND WILL LEVIS SEARCHER

Published 4/28/2023

Alrighty, folks! Get ready to relive the thrill of last night's NFL draft, where dreams came true and hopes were dashed faster than you can say "Tom Brady is the GOAT"!

Last night was more exciting than a cheerleader on a trampoline, and the draft picks were flying around faster than a flock of seagulls chasing a bag of French fries.

Some teams made moves so bold, they'd make Machiavelli blush. Others played it safe, like a grandma crossing the street with her walker.

And let's not forget the fashion statements! Some of these draft picks looked sharper than a knife made out of diamonds, while others looked like they got dressed in the dark with a blindfold on.

But hey, who cares about fashion when you've got talent? It's all about finding the diamond in the rough, like a miner panning for gold in a river of mud.

So let's raise a glass to the NFL draft, where anything can happen, and the only thing that's certain is that everyone will have an opinion. Cheers!

1. The Panthers really did it this time! They found their new QB savior in Bryce Young, who may be small and unremarkable physically, but hey, he's got skills! Sure, they could have gone for a riskier pick with higher potential, but why do that when you can just settle for a safe option, am I right? It's not like the Panthers are in desperate need of a franchise quarterback or anything. Nope, nothing to worry about here, folks. Grade: B

2. The Texans made the most logical pick at this point, which is surprising for a team known for their illogical decisions. Stroud has the potential to be a great quarterback, if he can perform as well as he did against a tough Georgia team. But hey, who cares about his potential? He checks all the boxes, and that's what really matters. Grade: B

3. Houston Texans (from Arizona Cardinals): The Texans gave up a lot of draft capital to get Anderson, but who needs future draft picks anyway? Anderson is a sure bet to be a star, and losing draft capital is a small price to pay for that. The Texans definitely won't regret this decision, no way. Grade: A-

4. Wow, what a brilliant move by the Colts! Taking a quarterback with high potential and pushing aside their current starter, Gardner Minshew II, is exactly what they need to do to compete in this league. And the fact that Richardson has some raw numbers? Who cares! He's a misunderstood prospect with the potential to be a star, and the Colts recognized that. A+ all the way!

5. Witherspoon might not be the biggest cornerback, but who needs size when you have swagger? The Seahawks now have a loaded cornerback room, which is never a bad thing, unless you count having too many talented players a bad thing. His ball skills will definitely make the Seahawks tough to beat through the air, unless the opposing team has a quarterback who knows how to throw. Grade: A+

6. The Cardinals were oh-so-clever to swoop in and grab Johnson without giving up too much in return. He's one of the top dogs in this draft class, and he'll fit right in as the starting right tackle for Arizona. Plus, they still have their future draft picks! How smart is that? They're practically geniuses. Grade: A-

7. The Las Vegas Raiders made a savvy move by selecting Tyree Wilson, an edge rusher from Texas Tech, to bolster their pass rush. With Chandler Jones falling short of expectations in his first year with the team, the Raiders needed to address this critical area. Maxx Crosby can't do it all on his own, so Wilson's potential impact cannot be overstated. It's a smart pick that will pay dividends in the upcoming season. Grade: A-

8. Wow, the Falcons really went for it here, didn't they? I mean, who needs to address pressing needs when you can grab an elite running back like Bijan Robinson? Sure, running backs may not be as valuable as they used to be, but Robinson's talent is undeniable. It's not like they could have used this pick on, I don't know, maybe a position that could help them win games or anything. Grade: C

9. Wow, the Eagles really hit it out of the park with this one. Carter is an absolute beast on the field and there's no doubt he'll elevate their defense to the next level. It's not every day you get the best player in the entire draft, but the Eagles managed to do just that. A+ all the way. 

10. After carefully analyzing the Bears' draft strategy, it's evident that they made a genius move in selecting Darnell Wright. His impressive skill set and experience as a stalwart tackle will provide a much-needed boost to the Bears' offensive line, and he was ranked as the third-best player on our big board. The Bears have certainly made a bold and admirable choice, and it's clear that this selection will pay off in spades. Grade: A+

11. Oh boy, another A+ grade? We really are feeling generous today! I mean, it's not like Skoronski was just an average offensive lineman in college, right? Oh no, he was the FIFTH-ranked player on the board this year! And he can play all five positions? Wow, I didn't realize the Titans were looking for a Swiss Army knife instead of a football player. But hey, who needs specialized skills when you can do everything just okay? A+ it is!

12. Ah, the Detroit Lions - always surprising us with their bold moves! Like picking Jahmyr Gibbs, a running back that no one expected to go this early in the draft. And boy, was it a major reach! Sure, he's a solid player, but come on, he was ranked 42nd on Yahoo Sports' big board and 25th on Pro Football Network's big board. And to make matters worse, the Lions already have David Montgomery on a three-year deal, so Gibbs won't even be the bell cow for this team. But hey, I'm sure the Lions know what they're doing... right? Grade: F

13. Ah, the Green Bay Packers. Always going for the safe picks, aren't they? Lukas Van Ness is a solid, consistent player with a high floor, but he'll need some development before he can become a superstar. But who needs that when you can have a steady-eddy on your team, right? And don't forget about Preston Smith - with Van Ness on board, the Packers can start planning their farewell party for him. Grade: B+.

14. The Steelers have really outdone themselves with this pick, taking a chance on a raw prospect like Broderick Jones. It's not like they desperately needed offensive tackle help or anything. But hey, I guess it's worth the risk for some movement skills at left tackle, right? All joking aside, it could pay off in the long run. Grade: B

15. The Jets took a chance on McDonald IV, who may need some seasoning to play as a full-time defensive end in the big leagues. But hey, who cares about age when you have raw talent and athletic ability, right? He may not be a spring chicken, but he can bend and cut corners with the best of them, something the Jets desperately need. Grade: B-

16. Wow, Forbes is as light as a feather! I mean, who needs bulky muscles when you have the agility and speed of a cheetah? At 166 pounds, he might get blown away by the wind, but who cares about that when he can stick to wide receivers like glue? The Commanders must be thinking that Forbes can survive in the NFL by being invisible to the opposing team's offensive linemen. Grade: C+ (or should we say "C-minus weight class")

17. Wow, the Patriots really struck gold with this one, huh? Gonzalez may have been a steal this late in the draft, but that's just a mere detail. His lack of physicality and inability to tackle are simply overrated anyway. I mean, who needs those qualities in a cornerback, right? As long as he can cover his man, he's all set! Give this pick an A+ because who needs a well-rounded player when you can have a one-dimensional star!

18. Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe my eyes! The Detroit Lions have just made a selection that has left me completely stunned! Jack Campbell? Really? This pick is so shocking that it's making my head spin! They could have gotten him so much later, it's insane! I can't even begin to fathom what they were thinking with this one. Campbell might be a decent player, but this is a colossal reach that will leave Lions fans scratching their heads for years to come. Grade: F

19. Tampa Bay really went for it with Calijah Kancey! He's not exactly a perfect fit for their scheme, but if they can figure out how to use him effectively, he could be a huge asset. And you can never go wrong taking a chance on a talented defensive lineman, right? Color me surprised with a solid B grade for this pick.

20. Wow, what a genius move by the Seahawks! Smith-Njigba is a stud and he's only going to make an already stacked wide receiver corps even stronger. The Seahawks really know how to keep their future bright by investing in young talent that can continue to carry the team for years to come. Grade: A

21. The Chargers addressed their receiver needs with Johnston, but did they make the most explosive choice for Herbert's arm? While Johnston has potential as a receiver and yards-after-the-catch machine, the Chargers could have gone with a more explosive option to complement their quarterback's arm. Nevertheless, Johnston has the tools to be a solid replacement for Allen down the line. Grade: B-

22. Looks like the Ravens are really trying to make Lamar Jackson happy with this one. Not only did they secure him a fat new contract, but they also went out and got him a shiny new toy to play with in Zay Flowers. This guy is a real firecracker on the field - explosive and dynamic, just like the Ravens' offense. With Flowers in the mix, the Ravens' receiving corps is looking downright scary. So, great job Ravens! Keep on doing Ravens things. Grade: A+

23. Well, well, well, look who the Vikings picked up! Jordan Addison, the "ideal" No. 2 wide receiver prospect! I mean, who needs a top-tier receiver when you can have an "ideal" No. 2, right? But in all seriousness, Addison is a great pick for the Vikings, and he'll make an excellent complement to Justin Jefferson. With an offense that loves to throw the ball, Addison could very well become a star. Grade: B+

24. The New York Giants made a great choice by selecting Deonte Banks from Maryland. Banks' skill set makes him an excellent fit for Wink Martindale's scheme, as he is a strong man-to-man coverage player, which is crucial for a blitz-heavy defensive coordinator. While Banks may not be the perfect match for every team, he's a great match for the Giants, and this selection deserves an A grade.

25. The Bills went for a tight end, huh? Interesting. It seems like Kincaid will be competing with Knox for the same spot, which raises the question of what their plan is. Maybe they want to run some two-tight end sets? Who knows? At least Kincaid is a talented player, so it's not like they reached for him. Grade: C

26. Well, the Cowboys didn't exactly go for an electrifying pick here, but hey, at least they addressed a need on their defense. I guess they figured they needed someone to stop the run, because apparently that's still a thing in the NFL. Smith may not be the next Aaron Donald, but he's a solid pick nonetheless. Grade: B

27. Wow, the Jaguars really know what they're doing. They're already planning ahead for Cam Robinson's suspension and securing a top-notch tackle in Anton Harrison to protect Trevor Lawrence's blindside. Who needs Robinson when you have Harrison? The Jaguars are really showing their commitment to Lawrence's success. Grade: A+

28. The Bengals went for the safe pick with Myles Murphy, who is a solid prospect but doesn't exactly set the world on fire. He'll give them another pass-rushing option opposite Trey Hendrickson, but he's not likely to be a game-changer anytime soon. At least he's a reliable run defender, though. Grade: B

29. The Saints went with the safe pick in Bresee, but one has to question if they could have gone for a more exciting choice at defensive tackle. At least Bresee will be a decent addition to their already stacked defensive line, providing some solid depth. Grade: C

30. The Philadelphia Eagles hit a home run with Nolan Smith from Georgia. Despite his smaller size for an edge rusher, Smith's 4.3 speed is a rarity in pass rushers. He joins an already stacked Eagles defensive line, which includes Haason Reddick, Jalen Carter, Fletcher Cox, Brandon Graham, Josh Sweat, and Jordan Davis. Good luck stopping that group! Grade: A-

31. To cap off our first round of the draft. Well, well, well, look who's finally deciding to join the edge rusher party? The Kansas City Chiefs are really making a bold move by taking a chance on Felix Anudike-Uzomah. I mean, he didn't exactly set the world on fire at Kansas State, but hey, let's throw him into a starting role and see what happens, right? At least he has some big names to learn from. Good luck, Chiefs. Grade: B

All in all, what a wild ride this draft has been so far. But hey, at least we can all agree that these grades are totally accurate and not at all subjective, right?

One last note.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play everyone's favorite game: Where in the World is Will Levis?!

Seriously, has anyone seen this guy? Did he get lost on the way to the draft? Is he hiding from his new team? Or maybe he's just busy perfecting his hair game.

I mean, let's be real, with hair that luscious, who wouldn't want to spend hours in front of the mirror perfecting each strand? It's like he's got a team of hairdressers working on him around the clock.

But in all seriousness, we hope Will is doing okay. Maybe he's just taking some time to decompress after the draft, or maybe he's off on a secret mission to save the world.

Either way, we're sure he'll turn up eventually. In the meantime, we'll just keep scanning the streets for any sign of that luscious mane. Stay tuned, folks!